Welcome back, not much has changed -except for everything, including you.

I left Panama on a Wednesday and arrived back in Madison that same day in time to sip wine on the lawn of the Capitol while listening to our local symphony play Beethoven’s Fifth. I had been missing live music and here it was, spread in front of me with cheese, crackers, summer dresses, and a stunning sunset.

Coming back to Madison has begun to feel almost uncomfortably familiar. On the whole, not much changes here except for the seasons, so stepping off the roller-coaster that was life in Panama was simultaneously comforting and unsettling, like standing on solid ground after extended time at sea. It’s a feeling I am partially overjoyed to part with, yet instantly find I have nostalgia for. I found myself hesitating to reactivate my cellphone, flustered that you could get wifi while rock climbing, disenchanted with temperature controlled rooms (with walls I might add!).

Call it re-integration, call it reverse culture-shock, the reality is that your reality needs to be realigned. And all that cognitive dissonance, it’s going to hang there until it fades or gets forgotten. I don’t know that we’ve figured out much more than that. I honestly don’t know if its getting better, harder, or more confusing the more I travel. Certainly, every experience is unique and this one stands out for a number of reasons.

So much has happened this past year. I worked alongside more than 60 incredible staff, all with their own wild and free way of living life. I helped shape what we cram into a 10-week crash course on living “sustainably”. I met, mentored, taught, and learned from 200+ students. I had the chance to explore parts of Panama, Colombia, and Costa Rica. I attended conferences, festivals, gatherings, and for 10 nearly endless days, sat silently and meditated. I lusted after parts of life back home yet wondered how I could ever leave what surrounded me. It was a whirlwind — yet felt more spaciously slow than most other times in my life. Life at Kalu Yala was over- and under-whelming at the same time.

It was far too much to pretend to be able to communicate in writing. Yet writing is one of the best ways I know how to communicate. So for now, here’s a smattering of thoughts that somehow feel important.

1. I spent a lot of my brainpower thinking about learning — the different types, how to design learning experiences, and what type of learning really matters. I realized that deep learning is an on-going process, such that you can never entirely articulate what an experience has taught you. It will continue to evolve over time as you layer new experiences and learning on top of it. I look back at past classes, trips, interactions and can say with certainty that what they taught changes over time. Immediately afterwards my reflections will be different than months or years later. This is important to realize because it means: We are never done learning, and we are never done learning from past learning.
2. Sitting in ambiguity is extremely valuable and extremely uncomfortable. I remember trying to comfort students through this, but its about as easy as relaxing while being bombarded by mosquitoes. I find myself again settling into the ambiguity of not having a “daily purpose” defined by work.
3. Life is full of unresolvable paradoxes. Did I mention the frequent set changes from jungle to urban jungle and back again? The constant social interaction yet sense of isolation that come come with living in an isolated, intentional community?
4. Life is just Life — even when you’re living in the jungle. Work would often feel like, well, work. Little annoyances still made you annoyed. And sure at times I would find this incredible peacefulness. I had moments where I lost all sense of “self”. I would get engulfed in the awe of a sunset or the beauty of the river on a regular basis but that happens here too. And I still spent plenty of time caught up in the lists, and tasks, and humdrum of the day-to-day.
5. Lastly, and perhaps most importantly: We are all faking it — especially those with the biggest plans. This is rather fine — entirely unavoidable I might add. But important to realize. Some people carry enough confidence to smooth over all the gaps to make you think they know exactly what they’re doing. Trust me, they don’t. This world is too complicated and unpredictable. This is why you need lots of knowledgeable/creative/crafty friends, durable motivation, and the right amount of naïveté do to anything meaningful.

You cannot put a price on experiences. And I will never be able to explain the world of Kalu Yala to those I did not share the experience with. All I can say, is go out and challenge conventional — life always feel more alive when I live as an outsider.